Mission
by Zephyr5
Summary: What if Squall wasn't what he appeared to be? What if Seifer was the only one who could understand what he is going through? !yaoi, character death! [COMPLETE]
1. Chapter 1

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  Probably a SxS of some sort, although no plot as yet...

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft, original characters (if there are any) are © me :)

Warnings: None yet, but rating may increase depending on what plot I end up with ;p

---SQUALL---

I stare at Seifer, goosebumps racing across my skin, and wonder again what on earth prompted me to accept the mission.  Not only that, but why I decided to go personally.  It's not like there aren't plenty of SeeDs at Garden now, all of them perfectly capable of leading or supporting a mission, and all anxious to be out on missions.  In fact, Garden's actually getting crowded, and we don't have enough mission requests to keep everyone happy.  Still, they can't complain that much.  They get paid whether they're on a mission or not, although I had to pull the written tests for advancement of SeeD level.  There were simply too many bored SeeDs sitting around doing written tests to get A ranking and more gil.

Maybe I decided to come myself because I was, literally, getting ready to rip the head off the next SeeD who accosted me in the corridor to ask for a mission.  Then again, I still haven't found anyone who can come close to defeating me in a fair fight, and everyone knows I was Seifer's sparring partner, so they don't dare try any dirty tricks.  It's almost depressing that no one has the guts to really try and win, even by cheating.  Probably they're scared that I'll put them on the bottom of the mission 'waiting' list.  So I'm still Seifer's only equal, and I don't trust him not to try something with anyone who can't at least fight him to a standstill.

Then again, maybe it's the lingering sense that I owe the blond, for something.  I can't for the life of me remember what, and I don't want to ask any of the others about something that could, potentially, be highly embarrassing.

"Well, well.  The Great Squall Leonhart himself."  Seifer sneers at me.  I'm confused.  He doesn't seem surprised to see me, almost as if he expected me to come, but I never let him know who was coming.  "Was I supposed to be honoured?"  I raise an eyebrow in a 'you can be honoured if you want, but I don't expect you to be' expression.  He snorts, seemingly reading the expression correctly.  If I'd expected him to have changed after everything...  But I hadn't, not really.  Seifer's attitude is one of those unchanging facts of life, like the sky being blue.  It's also a refreshing change from all the SeeDs at Garden trying to suck up to me.

"I didn't want to lose any more recruits to you."  The out-of-the-blue comment startles Seifer, but not as much as it startles me.  Clearly my brain has been doing its own thing whilst I mused.  Thinking about it, it makes sense.  Garden has been – and is – losing SeeD candidates – they're leaving, not dying – at a steady rate.  It makes sense, thinking about the number of SeeD requests in this area, and the number of candidates we've lost on those missions.  But why would Seifer be recruiting potential SeeDs?  All my suspicions are confirmed as I glance at Seifer's slightly shocked expression.

---SEIFER---

My surprise must show on my face, at least to someone as observant as Squall.  I guess all my efforts to keep my recruiting secret failed.  Still, I'm surprised a SeeD contingent hasn't been sent after me already if they know it's me who's responsible for the high loss of candidates.

"Hmm."  I stare at him, noticing the faint twitch of his hand.  So my scrutiny is making him uncomfortable.  I wonder why?  "What makes you think I don't have enough already?"  He shrugs, but keeps silent.  Maybe his comment was just a guess, pure conjecture on his part.  Still, I guess I've already given the game away.  Point of fact, I've achieved my aim.  Squall Leonhart, standing in front of me, unaware of why he's really here.  Unaware of just what he owes me.  At least, he doesn't look like he remembers.  If he did I'm sure he'd still be running.

I suppress a snigger and turn away, hiding the grin that spreads across my face.  I gesture curtly over my shoulder for him to follow me.  A moment later and I hear the sound of his footsteps begin a lighter counterpoint to my own, heavier, tread.  I hope he ate sometime recently because we have quite a way to travel...

***

A few hours later and I hear his footsteps begin to falter.  I hid a smile when we entered the desert and he suddenly closed the gap between us, and I guess the silence is letting his memories take a hold.  I just hope he's not going to crack on me just yet.  I know, I'm a fine one to talk about cracking under pressure and having a strong mental outlook, but I've done all the cracking I intend to do in my lifetime.  What I know, about Squall, that a lot of people don't know, is that whilst the outside is sheer ice, inside is a maelstrom of fire that he can't control.

The brunette works so hard to hide his true nature that he's lost sight of it himself.  That was one thing Ultemecia taught me.  If you try hard enough you can successfully change your nature, at least on the outside, but you'll never be happy.  I tried so hard to make myself fit my dream that I lost sight of what I really wanted.  Still, my explosion was more of an implosion.  I was never the outgoing one at the orphanage, but the GFs have made everyone except Edea and Ellone forget that.  Squall...  Well, suffice to say that when – not if – he loses it, and he will eventually, it will be an explosion no one's likely to forget.

Call me whatever you want, but at least I was never really much of a threat.  I admit that, although you'd never get me to say it out loud.  But Squall has no equal, not even me.  Point of fact, with Griever and Eden, Squall's probably as dangerous as Ultemecia ever was, maybe even more so.

That's why he has to be stopped.  Stopped from exploding without control, or just stopped.  Whichever it has to be.  And I'm the only one who can stop him, either way, because I'm the only one who knows what he's going through.  And because I'm the only one who can get close to him and still do whatever has to be done.

AN: Oooh, darkness...  I think maybe the next chapter's gonna include an angst warning...  This looks like being a very dark fic, so bring a torch :p  After all, things have to get worse before they get better...

Rxr and bear with me on the sporadic updates (of all my fics) I'm a little snowed under by coursework, homework and general work ;_;  I hate college *sniffles*


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  Probably a SxS of some sort, although shaky plot as yet...

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft, original characters (if there are any) are © me :)

Warnings: Angst, language, and rating may increase depending on what plot I end up with ;p

---SQUALL---

I don't know where we're going, if in fact we're going anywhere.  So far all I've seen is desert and more desert.  It brings back painful memories of time compression, except I'm not alone.  Not really.  Seifer is with me, but quiet enough to let all my thoughts slosh around without hindrance.  Is that a good thing?  

I'm exhausted, and Seifer doesn't look too much better, although he's hiding it well.  I haven't eaten for days already, and the last time I drank was a cup of coffee at about 2 this morning.  Oh yeah, did I mention I haven't slept for about three days?

Still, I can keep up with Seifer.  Wherever we're going.  Whatever he's planning.  Sure, I can tell something's going on in that blond head of his.  Not what – I'm not a mind reader, exactly – but he's got something planned that he thinks he might regret.  I stifle a grin.  It amused me all through Garden and becoming a SeeD.  Seifer could always figure out what I was thinking, but he never knew the reverse was true.

I stumble, regaining my footing and balance in time to see the blond flinch.  Seifer, worried about me?  My eyes narrow.  The only reason Seifer could possibly be worried about me is if I fade out on him before whatever he's got planned.  I'm not going to jump to any other, unfounded, conclusions, no matter how quick some part of my mind was to do so.  From what I know of Seifer – and I consider myself to know a lot about him – there is only one conclusion, and that is the logical one.  He wants me to survive long enough for whatever he's doing.  After that?  I'm probably disposable.

Hyne, it's not like I can even summon up the energy to care any more.  If it wasn't for my apathy, I'd probably have offed myself already.  Like Rinoa and Quistis and the others would even give a fuck...  OK, so maybe they would, they'd want to know why, want to know what was hurting so bad that there was only one way out.  But I couldn't tell them, for their own sakes.  I mean, how do you tell all your 'friends' that they're the burden breaking your back?  I shouldn't have let everyone bully me into staying commander.  I should've handed Cid my resignation and walked away.  Times like these I envy Seifer.  He got away from the machine, made his own life.  OK, so he fucked up with Ultemecia, but he survived, and from the few reports that have filtered back, he's made his peace with the world – even if it hasn't made peace with him – and now he's getting on with life.

Quite where I come into it, I'm not sure.  I'm not even sure if I care enough to ask.  Hell!  If Seifer wants one last fight to prove who's better once and for all, he can win.  I don't care.  Let him be the best.  Let him take all the responsibility that comes with the title.  I don't want it any more.  The wreaths placed around my neck are made of cast iron, dragging me down and choking the breath in my throat.

"We're here."  Seifer suddenly announces.  I look around.  Desert in all directions.  We're where?  I wonder.  It looks like the centre of the Desert from where I'm standing.

---SEIFER---

I cringe slightly when I hear him stumble, but I manage not to turn round.  He has to be suspicious as hell already – it's not like this is an everyday occurrence.  I'm surprised he hasn't demanded to know what's going on already, but then, he always did have more patience than I expected.

It's funny in a sense, although really it's not.  Somewhere along the line me and Squall seem to have swapped personalities.  I guess it stems back to when Ellone vanished.  Squall was devastated.  I mean, his life was completely destroyed, his confidence and self-esteem scattered to the wind.  Ellone had been the one constant in his life, and suddenly, boom!  She's gone.  Just like that.  No explanation, no goodbyes.  Not even a warning.

Sure, the rest of us were surprised that she'd gone, but...  We'd all been at the orphanage longer than Squall.  We all knew other kids that had been there had vanished in the same way.  Matron told us they'd found new family and we should be happy for them.  Mostly we were jealous, but we were one big family, we didn't really want anything to change.

"We're here."  I announce, my thoughts still running on auto-pilot as Squall looks around.  It was kinda a shock when Squall suddenly just cut himself off from us all, even Matron.  I can see him searching for anything to make this piece of desert different to the rest.  His body language screams 'what the fuck are we doing here' at me.

My lip curls.  No one remembers except me, but Squall uses the foulest language when he's really pissed off.  Like the fight in the training centre.  I was kinda glad there were no witnesses to that – I mean, Squall's language could've seriously warped some of the younger SeeDs minds, never mind the cadets and junior classmen.  Somehow I doubt anything's changed that.

"And here is...?"  He asks sarcastically.  His expression screams the original message at me loud and clear.  'Why the fuck have you dragged me all the bloody way out to the fucking middle of nowhere, you moronic cunt?'  I shrug lazily.  I know exactly how to push the buttons to break down those icy walls.

"The heart of the Kashkabald desert."  I see him mutter something under his breath, but I don't quite catch it – something uncomplimentary no doubt.

"And why am I here?"  He continues after a few moments.  He's starting to lose it, and he knows it.  I see panic in his eyes.  I smirk and give him my best, sweetest 'because you followed me' expression.

"Because you were paid to come."  He physically steps back.  That was a low blow, and I hate myself for it, but then, I want to get this over with.  If I have to kill him, I'd rather do it now, before I get too involved, before I convince myself that this can be worked out peacefully.  It can't.  Squall's repressed his emotions for too long, when the dam breaks, all it can release is a massive tsunami.  And all I can do is try and stop him from hurting anyone, including himself, in the process.

"What do you want Seifer?"  My heart leaps, but I squash it ruthlessly.  Just because, once, he called me Seifer instead of Almasy, it doesn't mean anything.  It can't mean anything.  Because if it does, I won't be able to do what I might have to...  I pray it doesn't mean anything, convince myself.  After all, if he survives this, if we both survive this, then I'll still have a chance to find out...

AN: I don't see Squall as being the sort just to do stuff for the money.  Just cause he's been told to, yeah, but I think he hides behind the money as an excuse to help people, cause if they think he's a cold-hearted bastard then they won't try and give him stuff back and make him open up. imo anyway.  I also think he'd swear a lot – mainly cause it seems to be the quiet ones that do (I should know – I am one :p)


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - now with plot!  Squall's on the verge of china syndrome (meltdown – nuclear style), and the only person who knows and can do anything about it is (you guessed it) Seifer :)

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst and language, SxS

---SQUALL---

"Because you were paid to come."  I wince and take a step back, physically reeling from the verbal blow.  My mind races, and I feel on the verge of tears.  Seifer knows me better than that, he knows I couldn't care less if we were paid or not, so why?  Why hit me with something that really hurts?  He's never done it before, so why now?  Even when we fought in the training centre, even all the times when I've called him the vilest names I know – and I know some pretty vile names – he's never really tried to hurt me.  As he's just shown, had he wanted to, he could've.  So if not then, why start now?

Anger starts to boil in me, begins to destroy my control.  The last time I fell into a blind rage I killed four T-Rexaurs without noticing, only sheer exhaustion stopping me.  I don't want to kill Seifer, however much he hurts me.  Physically or mentally.  Didn't I prove that enough during Ultemecia?

"What do you want Seifer?"  I grate out.  Shit.  I suddenly realise, seeing the surprised expression that flits across his face.  I called him Seifer instead of Almasy.  Shows how deep that comment went.  Too much deeper and I'll be confessing things I really don't want to.  I stare at him, a challenge, noticing that he's suddenly more uncertain.  Guess my slip has really thrown him.  Then his expression hardens.  Whatever he's gonna do, he's gonna do, no matter what I might say.

Half my mind is screaming out in hope that this might be Seifer's way of leading up to 'I want to confess I love you'.  Sappy I know, but everyone can dream.  The other half of my mind shouts the sappy half down, pointing out with sarcastic logic that it's unlikely to happen under any circumstances, never mind the current circumstances.  I wait for his reply.  

I really should've brought some food, although I doubt I could've eaten it.  My mouth is dry, and my lips are cracked with the heat.  I suppose I could drink a potion, if I had any with me.

"Why are you commander at Balamb, Leonhart?"  I shrug.  Confused by the sudden change of topic.  Cid made me commander, and everyone seemed to want me to stay there.  At least, no one has openly said I should step down.  I'd be gone like a shot if they did.  One complaint is all the excuse I need.  I never asked for the rank, I never wanted the responsibility.  It was just Cid, convinced that the only reason we won over Ultemecia was because I was given complete control.  I don't care that we were fighting Seifer, that I was the one who knew him best – knew his tactics and how to counter them.  That war nearly finished me, emotionally at least.

"You sit there playing games with the lives of every SeeD you send on a mission, every cadet that takes the SeeD exam..."  I guess it's true.  Still.  He won't hear any argument out of me.  I toy with the idea of persuading Seifer to go talk Cid out of me being commander, but I suspect Seifer's opinions would only make them more determined to keep me pinned down.

---SEIFER---

There's no response to my comment.  Guess I'd better take a different approach.  There were always two things that never failed to outright piss Squall off.  One was Ellone, and the other is his ring.  I dunno why he's so damn protective about that ring.  I mean, it's not like it's unique any more.  There are scores of copies on the market now, each proclaimed as being just like the original.  Only Squall seems to find that funny, so I guess there's something about the original that they can't copy.

"Guess we gotta do this the hard way."  I mutter.  He frowns suspiciously, but the silence spell I cast catches him off guard.  I noticed when I met him that he had no potions or anything, and I've never known him carry healing GFs.  I curse him as an afterthought.  He's gonna be really pissed when I'm through, so maybe I shouldn't let him use his limit.  The expression on his face as he realises what I've done is priceless.  I snort.  All the Gardens teach that curse is a spell that only Vysages and sorceresses can cast.  It just takes a lot of learning and a bit of practise.

So, Ellone or the ring.  I guess it has to be Sis, although I'd prefer to taunt him about the ring.  I'm treading on dangerous ground with Ellone, what with her having left again.  I wonder if she could see what was happening to Squall?  Or was it just me and Edea?  I have to admit, this was all Edea's idea.  I wanted to find a way that didn't involve fighting, but she convinced me there wasn't one.  So here I am, about to fight Squall for his own life.

"Shame you scared Ellone away again."  I watch his eyes narrow in anger.  She finally managed to convince him that it wasn't his fault that she left, and now he's almost religious about the fact.  He flashes his middle finger at me, glaring contemptuously.  I shrug.

"Have you and Laguna finished fucking up to each other?  17 years – guess that's a lot of blowjobs you owe him Squall."  I suppress the urge to drink a remedy against the venom in his glare.  Mark up a third Squall-irritant – Laguna.  Course, if my father turned up out of the blue, I'd be pretty pissed too.

He makes an obscene gesture with both hands, one that needs no translating.  The ring flashes through my gaze, and I play my trump card.

"I should've melted that ring down while I had the chance."  He appears not to have given the ring a thought, but now he glances at it, then smirks evilly at me.  His eyes close, almost as if meditating on a summoning, only, he can't be summoning right?  He's silenced.  Or can he?  Slowly everything fades from my view.  I swallow nervously.  I'm not ignorant.  I know exactly what he called that ring...

AN: *giggles* this isn't turning out to be quite as angsty as I thought, *sighs*  still, Seifer's just been caught completely off-guard *grins*


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - now with plot!  Squall's on the verge of china syndrome (meltdown – nuclear style), and the only person who knows and can do anything about it is (you guessed it) Seifer :)

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

---SEIFER---

Well fuck me.  I think in dumbfounded amazement.  A reverse summoning.  Squall couldn't pierce the silence spell to summon the GFs to him, so he fucking sent me to them!  Only, I don't recognise this place.  I quickly run through my mind the list of GFs that the brunette, to my knowledge, could possibly have.

It's not cold and icy, so rule out Shiva.  Nor is it hot and fiery, which rules out her opposite – Ifrit.  Not that I'd expect Squall to have Ifrit anyway.  I haven't been electrocuted yet, so I don't think it's Quezacotl, and the silence rules out Siren.  I appear to be floating, so that rules out Brothers, Cactuar and Tonberry.  Diablos was always impatient – I'd have been attacked already – so rule him out.  Not Carbuncle, nor Leviathan, nor Cerberus.  I don't know who got my GF – I'd quite like him back actually – but I doubt he'd like Squall.  Pandemona?  No – Pandemona was Fujin's, and I know Irvine returned the stolen GF.  Alexander?  Doomtrain?  Both unlikely GFs for Squall.  Maybe Bahamut or Eden, but I think I know which GF it is.

After all, the ring is called Griever.  How Squall has Ultemecia's GF I don't know.  I don't want to speculate on whether Griever joined them after the fight, or if Ultemecia somehow had the GF from the future.  I turn slowly, hearing a noise behind me.  I look up, and up some more, and then even further, craning my head backwards to see the GF's face.  I know he was big enough in our dimension when Ultemecia summoned him, but here, in his own dimension, he's bigger than huge.  This is one battle I don't think I'll win.  Then again, I survived Odin – I killed Odin.  But that was on my own ground, on my own terms.  And he was a hell of a lot smaller.

Holy Hyne, mother of all, protect us from harm, in thy name we ask, as we fight in thy name.  The old Centra prayer that Edea taught me rushes through my mind as I try to reassure myself.  It's no use.  The meaning of reassurance evaporates from my being in front of the towering Griever.  Nervously I swallow, realising that I still haven't drawn Hyperion.  Great – I'm gonna die without even having a chance to defend myself.

My mind is racing at Squall's deviousness, seeking the flaw in the logic.  Vaguely I wonder why the GF hasn't attacked, and it dawns on me.  The GFs are summoned against enemies.  They're not used to having enemies deposited on their doorsteps, as it were.  I have no drawn weapon, and I'm not a sorceress, so at the moment I'm not even being perceived as an enemy.  Griever doesn't know what to make of me!  So, for a while I'm safe.  How long, I'm not sure, but I'll take any time I can buy to think.  When GFs are summoned they make their attack and vanish again, whether they destroy the enemy or not.  Reverse the process.  The enemy is sent to the GF, makes its attack and vanishes again, successful or not.  So all I have to do is attack, and hope like hell my theory is true.

I hesitate, unwilling to test a theory that could backfire disastrously.  The outline of Griever begins to waver, and then the GF seemingly vanishes.  I blink and frown in confusion.  What the hell is going on?

"Thou art courageous indeed to face such a one as I without drawing thy blade."  I turn at the voice behind me.  A man stands there.  My frown deepens.  "I wouldst know the name of the one who has done so."  He waits for me to answer.  I struggle to find a voice.

"Seifer Almasy."  His solid red eyes bore into me.  After a moment he nods in thought.  A breeze comes out of nowhere, making his long white hair blow out behind him.  It reminds me of Griever's mane, and I realise with a sudden chill that this man is Griever.

"Thou art much in the mind of my master.  Why dost thou seek to enrage him?"  I frown, barely hearing the question, the first statement echoing in my mind.  Squall's thinking of me?  I suppress a sarcastic snort at my sudden hope.  Sure I'm in his mind.  The guy's probably wondering if he's killed me or not.  Or why Griever's taking so long.

"What?"  It's an automatic response as I realise the man, GF, is waiting for an answer.

"Why dost thou seek to enrage him?"  Griever patiently repeats.

"Oh."  I wonder that Griever doesn't realise what's happening to Squall.  Or perhaps he does.  Perhaps he wants to know if I know what I'm getting into.  "I..." It's harder to say than I thought it would be.  "I want to help him."  The man tilts his head to one side, and I suddenly feel incredibly embarrassed.  Almost unconsciously I hunch up inside my trenchcoat.  He laughs, and I straighten defensively.  But somehow I know he's laughing with me, not at me.  Tentatively I smile back, and he nods approvingly.

"My master hides himself for one reason only.  He is afraid that thou dost not love him..."  Griever stops as I almost die on the spot of shock.  I wonder if Edea knew, but dismiss the thought.  If she knew Squall, loves - I struggle to think what I've never dared to think before - me, then she'd know that I love him.  Now, maybe I'm being dense and lovelorn, but surely that would open up a whole, non-combative, array of options.

I cough weakly.  "You're sure about that."  The GF looks surprised.  At least, I think he does.  Those solid eyes of his make Squall look like an open book for pre-schoolers.  I nod, and gesture feebly for him to continue.  He thinks for a moment.

"If thou were to show him thou dost, then he would undoubtedly become himself once more."  Great.  So I tell Squall I love him, wring a similar confession out of him, and then have to defend my ass against his enraged person.  Although, maybe convincing him I mean what I say is gonna be the hardest part, considering all the stuff I've just said.  Perhaps I should just grab him and screw his brains out.  After all, good sex is often the remedy for too much emotion – and I speak from personal experience.  Of course, there is the minor matter of just how Squall is gonna take all this.  Maybe, and now my conscience is getting in on the act, I should apologise for everything.  And I don't just mean everything I've said today.  I sigh.

"Alright."  Griever nods approvingly, and before I know it, the world I left behind, and Squall, is fading back into view.

AN: OK, this was gonna go one way, then I decided it could go another, so, please don't kill me before it's done...

Duran Of Folsena; I promise this is a 'proper' happy ending *grins* :)

Sidhe_ranma; sorry bout the cliff *giggles* least I know u'll b back 4 more...  Hope this chapter's longer, not really checked that, still, the whole fic's suddenly gotten longer, at least the idea has...

Faery_of_fun; 'pologies for how long its taken me to post this, got cswk comin out of my ears, literally! Lol – still, I'll try and write faster, honest ;)

Gwendolyn_flight; I can tell u what the plan 'was', cause it's changed, so im not givin ne thing away... Seifer/Edea's plan was to force Squall to express his anger... suffice to say, that's kinda changed, kinda...

Kaze; glad u like it, little less suspense for a coupla chpts...

Redrum; thankie for ur continued kind reviews *grins* - I'd add something else, but it'd give the game away :)


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - with plot!  

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

---SQUALL---

For a moment as Seifer fades back into sight, apparently unharmed, rage threatens to tear me apart.  Why couldn't Griever have just killed him?  I highly doubt that the GF has met the same fate as Odin.  Seifer may be good, but not that good.

But then I'm suddenly glad that he's alive, unharmed.  I don't know if I could bear to live with myself if I knew I'd killed him.  Besides, I excuse my sudden sentimentality, I'm in the middle of the Kashkabald desert, with no remedial potions, silenced and cursed.  That doesn't give me too high a survival rating against most monsters.  Little consolation that the spells will wear off eventually, if they wear off a corpse.

As if the thought of corpses was an omen, Seifer suddenly crumples to the ground and begins to convulse.  I try to remember what they taught us to do in this sort of situation.  Keep the person calm.  It comes to me suddenly.  Well great!  How the fuck am I supposed to keep him calm when a) I have no voice, and b) he is stronger than me?  A potion on his belt smashes as he writhes, and I quickly snatch what ones I can.  I'm in luck, a megalixir.  I drink it, feeling the effects of both silence and curse dissipate.

"Seifer!"  I yell at him.  OK, probably not the best way to calm someone down, but it got his attention.  Briefly.  I shudder.  Something must have gone wrong with the summoning.  Either that or Griever did damage that I can't see.  I cast scan, but there's no status changes in effect, nothing to magically cause the convulsions.  

Taking a deep breath I pounce, pinning his wrists with my hands, and pressing my body across his in an effort to hold him down.  I'm partially successful, in that only his legs and head continue to throw themselves around.  But I don't know what to do now.  "Curaga!"  I grate out, praying that the spell works.  The blue-green glow envelops us both, and I see a small scratch on his face heal, but it doesn't stop the uncontrollable spasms.  "Esuna!"  I try.  Again, no effect.

The body beneath me suddenly goes limp, and I see his eyes roll up in his head.  A faint?  Or death?  I pray for the former, desperately seeking a pulse.  It's there, faint, and growing fainter.  Why the fuck didn't I take Siren when Quistis offered?  "Full-life!"  The strongest healing magic there is, but somehow I already know it won't work.  Whatever this is, it's fatal.  Was it something Ultemecia did to him?  Or did we do it?  Maybe Odin did it as he died?  I don't know.  It might even have been Adel.

My hand rests against the blond's neck as I huddle up against the now-still body.  He's still with me, just.  There's still time.  I open my mouth, and the words come pouring out.  I don't know why I didn't tell him before how I feel.  How I really feel I mean.  How all through the Ultemecia incident, through the many times I could've, should've killed him, I couldn't.  Not because I was weak, although I was, but because I still nursed the vain hope that he might, one day, return what I feel.

My ear, resting on his chest, suddenly fails to register the slow 'thump, thump' of his heartbeat.  The pulse beneath my fingers is still.  I panic, tilting his head back and carrying out CPR.  It's no use.  His eyes are lifeless, their jade green depths already filmed in death.  Slowly I can feel the heat leeching out of his body.  Even the short blond hair has lost its shine.  He's gone.  Dead.  He's never coming back.  Why did he have to go?  Why?

"WHY?"  I scream the question at the heedless skies.  "WHY?!"  I demand again.  There is no answer.  Nothing.  That's all I'll ever have.  Dreams that crumble to dust in the daylight.  I fall to my knees, head bowed as the tears come.  So many tears.  I stare at them in wonder as they fall, one after another, to splash into the dry sand.  The sand in front of me is no longer dry.  It is sodden with my tears.

One of my hands clutches forlornly at Seifer's.  Somehow I can't bring myself to believe he's gone, even though his body is in front of me.  I reach up and close the staring eyes.  Somehow, now, he looks like he's only sleeping.  I try to convince myself that he really is just sleeping.  Gently I place a kiss on his cold lips.  I wish I had told him.  I wish I had told him as we walked.  I no longer care about my fears of ridicule or rejection.  Maybe, if I had told him, this wouldn't have happened...  The tears are still falling from my eyes.  Sniffling slightly, I lie next to him, pulling his arms around me.  How I wish he were only sleeping...

My dreams were violent.  Filled with blood and fire and anger.  Why has this happened to me?  Haven't I been through enough?  More to the point, who's fault is it that all this shit's happened to me?  Laguna, for abandoning me so long ago?  Garden, for raising me to fight?  Garden, for failing Seifer?  Garden, for forcing me to fight the only man I love?  My 'friends', for trying to make me forget him?  I feel something snapping in my mind.  A physical pain expressing everything I can't.  

I blame all of them.  For everything.  But before revenge comes duty.  And my duty now is to Seifer.  I can't leave him here for the monsters and the elements.  I must either bury him, or burn him.  Burial, I feel, is so *below* Seifer.  So a pyre it is.

I smile with a twisted sense of satisfaction.  The pillar of fire must be visible for thousands of miles, stretching from the ground as far as the eye can see towards the sky.  There is no smoke, just flame.  The fire will burn for a thousand days, and in those thousand days I'll set a thousand more, and each of those will also burn for a thousand days.  They will pay.  They will all pay...

AN: Eeep!  Don't kill me *hides from rabid Seifer*

Seifer: You killed me!  Bitch!

A: *ducks pain spell*  Nooooo!  Let me explain!  Let me explain!

Seifer: *growls* This better be good...

A: *gulps*  OK, well, without givin too much away u may get a better idea of what I'm tryin when u read the next chapter...  *eyes Seifer nervously*  That is, if I live that long...


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - with plot!  Um, corrected a few spelling/grammatical errors and thought I'd repost.  07 soon, promise :)

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

---SQUALL---

As I watch the flickering flames I am aware of a noise in the distance.  It's coming closer, and soon I identify it as the drumming of hooves.  I don't care.  Something at the back of my mind has already identified the sound.

I finally turn as the sound becomes close enough for me to identify each separate thud of hoof hitting ground.  Eight thuds, one after the other, like a roll of thunder, ominous, foreboding.  The rider of the strange beast is equally strange, but equally familiar.  Odin.

I don't know how, but somehow I've known all along that he wasn't really dead.  Part of me expects the duo to pull up, to halt, but as they show no sign of doing so, I realise that part of me doesn't expect them to stop, doesn't want them to stop.

A voice at the back of my mind screams at me to get out of the way, but I easily ignore it.  If I die, at least I join Seifer, and if I don't...

Odin has closed the gap in the time I have been thinking, now there is physically no way to escape the impact, even if I wanted to.

There is a blinding flash of white light, but no pain, in fact, no feeling at all.  There is whiteness all around, I think...  I try to turn, but there is no sensation to tell me if I have turned or not.  For all I know I'm spinning madly, or falling to who knows where.

Is this death?  It's almost like the time compression the others experienced, as far as I could understand their descriptions, or they could describe it.  The only difference is that I'm alone, again...

You're not alone  The voice comes from nowhere and everywhere.  I vaguely recognise it as Odin's.  He doesn't seem to realise that I have always been alone, except in the company of one person.  Seifer.  And now Seifer is dead, and if this isn't death, then I am still alone, and will be alone until I die.

What's happened to me?  I wonder.  Almost as if he can hear my very thoughts, Odin responds.

I have junctioned our very flesh together  The statement reminds me of Ultemecia's act, junctioning Griever to herself to save the life of her GF.  Of my GF.  A GF that I have had for 15 years, but never knew I had until after we had saved the world from Time Compression.

Why?  Why has Odin, supposedly dead all this time, suddenly materialised and physically junctioned himself to me?  And why is this taking so long?

We await our cousin  The once-independent voice of Odin is almost like a thought in my mind now, and I find that I know who 'our' cousin is.

The white around me begins to change.  It is still white, but everywhere a rainbow of colours glitter at me.  It is beautiful, and even if I can't feel it, I am sure my jaw must have dropped in an open expression of wonder.

We are here  A new voice, but, like Odin, a voice I recognise.  Eden.  The GF that I fought so hard to gain.  I wonder again why this is happening.  Two powerful GFs, perhaps the two most powerful after Griever, have suddenly physically junctioned themselves to me.  Why?  What possible motivation could they have?

We are komplete  And suddenly I know.  Elle always told us, throughout Ultemecia, that you can't change the past, no matter how hard you try.  But, Time Compression, even the limited Time Compression the world experienced, fucked up time.  For a while the past is the future, and it can't be changed.

I can't be changed.

My actions can't be changed.

The consequences can't be changed.

At least, not from this side of time, but the other side?  The side Ultemecia had access to during Time Compression?  Perhaps on that side a change could be made, a chance created for things to turn out differently...

I will have to wait and see.  Slowly the whiteness and the rainbows fade away, replaced by the world, that now seems dull and two-dimensional.  The pillar of fire is still burning brightly, and a twisted sneer settles on my lips.  The pathetic mortals who inflicted this pain on me will know this pain for themselves.  I promise it.

AN: hmm, whatever has happened to Squall? *taps lip thoughtfully*  well, u'll just have 2 wait and see *grins evilly*

Morpheus: Thanx 4 the offer, Seifer's sulking cause I won't let him know what happens b4 ive written it *grins*, he can't live with the idea of never knowing what happened next, so I guess my head's safe for now :p

Gwendolyn-flight: Yup, not a happy Squall...

Redrum: Hmm, what to say without giving the plot away... Well, u've probably guessed what happens/is happening :) still, all will become clear(er) in the next chpt

The Black Lightning Wolf: Heh heh heh, yeah, still, Seifer's used to me being horrible to him all the time, it's cause he's my favourite :)

Lady Yuskreven: Thank you so much for adding me to ur fav authors! *glomps*, and if sugar makes u write such enthusiastic reviews, don't stop!

AN: On a more personal, and desperate, note, please go RxR Hyne's Return *sniffles* it's a Stargate SG1 / FF8 crossover, with SxS, and will have my first explicit lemon...


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - with plot!  

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

I can feel them all out there, waiting, making last minute preparations to fight me.  Then they enter.  I am in the lead, and now I understand why I merged with Eden. (1)  For all I have changed, for all I have done and have become, I am still me.  And so is he.

The 'Lion of Balamb' and Ultemecia are one and the same.  No one would believe it, not even I would believe it, except, I know it is true.  And I know what will happen, again, if I cannot break the cycle.

They stare up at me, all but one afraid.  I, he, *we* are not afraid.  I remember, I know exactly what he's thinking, because I thought the same.  I thought, what great wrong has been done to her that she seeks revenge against the world.  Hopefully this time, I will never know.

I stand, feeling one of the great black wings catch against the gilded throne. Irritably I shake it free, pulling loose a long black feather as I do so.  It drifts free, floating down towards the SeeDs that have made it through time compression to fight me.  I wonder how many would still be willing to fight if they knew who I was, who I really am.

A surprise.  My former self has deftly snagged the feather, although none of the others appears to have noticed.  I wish there had been some way of writing a warning on the feather, but, they must defeat me.  I cannot have them seeking another way to end this, for there is not one.  And I will fight to live, to have my revenge, for a part of me will not let me do otherwise, even though I know, when everything is over, my love will still be dead.

"...SeeD..."  They are nervous.  Selphie jumps as I suddenly speak, and Squall takes a protective half-step in front of Rinoa.  I don't know why I did that.  Some automatic instinct perhaps, but the raven-haired sorceress managed to take it the wrong way.  It took quite some time to convince her otherwise.

"SeeD...SeeD..."  They have bunched together, a cluster of scared children with me at their head.  I could almost laugh at the beautiful irony of it all.  "SeeD, SeeD, SeeD!"  I sigh.  Are they really so blind.  Have I really changed so much?  If they knew, would they see the sudden similarities between us?  Who better to fight a war against than yourself, when one of you does not realise.  Even more so when you have already fought the war from the other side.

"Kurse all SeeDs."  And curse the damn impediment caused by becoming part of two immensely powerful GFs.  "Swarming like locusts across generations.  You disgust me."  Not them personally, but SeeD in general.  Sending mere children to their deaths at the hands of my monsters, and to be torn apart in time compression.

"The world was on the brink of that ever-elusive 'time kompression'."  Although from the start I knew my cause was a lost one.  How would they react to know that the only reason this happened was to give myself a chance of happiness?  How would they react to know that I can see through their masks, right into their very souls?

"Insolent fools!"  And they are fools.  I've known that all along.  Even I was a fool.  Maybe I still am.  Ellone kept saying and saying that you can't change the past, but, what time-compression I achieved managed to throw time and space into chaos.  I am the future, they are the past, and I have to use them, and my defeat, to change the present.  Or the present as it will be.

"Your vain krusade ends here, SeeDs."  It does, and mine begins.  Only, they believe that I am stating my invincibility.  It almost makes me laugh.  If I truly wanted to defeat them I could.  After all, I've seen this battle from their point of view, I defeated me.  In all honesty I would have it no other way.  Unless Seifer were to...  but I know he won't.

"The price for your meddling is death beyond death."  Or perhaps I should say, life beyond death.  For whilst they may believe they have died, they will not.  I will make sure of that.  At least in this I know I will not fail them.

"I shall send you to a dimension beyond your imagining."  I now know why I thought the threats directed at us were empty.  They are.  Only by twisting the meaning can I find any glimmer of truth in the words.  Who after all would imagine a dimension of pure, blinding white, with no direction and no sensation?

"There, I will reign, and you will be my slaves for eternity."  I laugh, hastily changing the hearty guffaw to a menacing cackle.  I can't believe I never suspected the truth.  Or maybe I did.  Maybe I just couldn't, wouldn't, believe it.

"Whom shall I exterminate first!?"  I shout my challenge, leaping from the raised platform to hover over their heads.  "I'll start with you three!"

AN: Hee!  The fog has cleared at last!  

(1) Eden imo, is a time-space GF.  Squall/Ultemecia had to have Eden to prevent the nasty side-effects of meeting himself, i.e. to stop time rupturing completely.

Gwendoln-flight: Nope, not Griever – Ultemecia! 

S. Wing: More for u, hope u like it!

Lady Yuskraven: I'm glad the sugar's still going – long live sugar!

Redrum: Hope it's clear now :) Squall is Ultemecia *grins* don't ask what I was on when I came up with the idea, cause I'm not too sure...  I don't think it was sugar tho! lol

AN: If I haven't posted for a while keep checkin my bio – I do leave notes and expected post dates/targets from time to time :)  Oh yeah, and if u really want me to write more, please go rxr Hyne's Return, pretty please?


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - with plot!  

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

I suppress a chuckle, picking Rinoa, Selphie and myself.  I know exactly what I'm doing, and how I will do it.  Rinoa believes herself to be such a strong sorceress, believes she is fighting me with my 'powers' as well as Edea and Adel's powers.  Only, I have no sorceress powers...

The malicious part of me that desires to see the raven-haired bitch squirming in pain and embarrassment suggests an idea.  For a moment I entertain the idea of challenging her to a one-on-one duel, but I know my past self would just step in.  I don't need myself complicating the situation with Rinoa needlessly, although, if things go as planned she should get the hint pretty quickly.

Instead I launch my attack, KO'ing Quistis and... well... myself, instantly, but carefully only badly injuring Rinoa.  Predictable as ever, she instantly casts full life on my prone form.  How sweet.  I suppress the urge to vomit.

As I slowly sit up, then clamber to my feet , I spirit Quistis away, replacing her with Zell.  The energetic blond instantly springs in to attack.  Damn!  I'd forgotten that he had an initiative junction.  Oh well, it's not like...

The first blow misses its target, my jaw, but the second impacts squarely with my ribs.  The force sends me staggering backwards.  Now I know why last time I tried to get rid of all the physical dangers.  Ow...  But the pain fades quickly with a rush of adrenaline.  Zell is still standing there, unaware of the danger he is in.

Bent double, appearing winded, I stagger forwards.  Just a little closer...  I straighten, and my arm shoots forwards.  Long, sharp nails sink through his chest, tickling his heart forcefully enough to make him convulse painfully.

His mouth is open wide in a scream that is too powerful to come.  Voice lost in the agony I am causing.  Zell was, once, a good friend, but I cannot find even the slightest hint of remorse for what I am doing to him.  And I don't know why.

With the barest snarl of fury, more at myself than him, I throw the hapless blond back to the other two with a burst of power, simultaneously healing the worst of the wound.  He will have the scars, and the memories, for the rest of his life though.

As Rinoa desperately tries to heal Zell, I attack.  With a sneering smile that feels more like it belongs to Seifer than me, I form a gunblade that matches lionheart perfectly.  Gracefully I pivot to block the attack, watching as I realise that I have underestimated me.  I smile, and watch as I slowly back away.

I let my 'lionheart' vanish, and dispose of Zell.  This time I bring Selphie to take his place.  I will get rid of her quickly, then let the remaining three face Griever.  I suddenly have no stomach for what is to come, but I know how this play must ended.

Both Rinoa and Squall have resorted to ranged magic attacks, but Rinoa is nowhere near strong enough to penetrate the shield I am able to erect with the aid of Eden and Odin, and Squall doesn't stand a chance with normal magic.

I remember Edea's attack on the float, and hold a brief debate with my two physically junctioned GFs.  The number and placement of each shard is quickly decided, and I raise my arm to launch the attack.  But of course, nothing is ever that easy is it?

As Rinoa sees the ice shards heading towards her, she freezes, clearly recalling Edea's attack.  I roll my eyes as both Selphie and Rinoa are KO'd by the attack, myself escaping with only a few bruises, and a slight gash on the arm.  Oh well, Griever knows as well as I how this story must end.  Must end, for I will not go through this again.  I would sooner destroy the world, the universe than know I will lose him again.

"Seifer..."  It is the barest of whispers that escapes my lips as I spirit both Selphie and Rinoa away, replacing them with Irvine, but my younger self still seems to hear it.  His gaze sharpens its focus on my face.  He is searching for the answers to a question he, as yet, does not know.  I suspect he will know the answer before he is even aware of asking the question.

Closing my eyes I fly into the air, summoning the GF orb within which resides Griever.  Doing this will destroy the orb, and once 'defeated' the GF will take his place within the lion-head pendant that I once carried.  I can't even remember when, or where, I lost it.  But I suspect that it was the day Seifer died...

Hyne, but this experience has given me so many answers, answers to questions I never even wanted to ask.  I wonder if Seifer knew who I really was, if that was why it was so easy to persuade him to my side.  But, I'll never know.  My other self may, one day, if I dare to ask, but I'll never know.

"The most powerful GF..."  I see Irvine's face pale at my assertion.  After all, there are only the two of them, and he's probably astute enough to figure out that it's entirely possible.  After all, the monsters in my castle had GFs, and why would I leave them with the most powerful GF in my possession?

"You shall...SUFFER...!"  I cackle madly at them, although the urge is to giggle.  I never knew Irvine could go so white.  I throw the orb to the floor and leave them to Griever.  I will know when it is time for the next act...

AN: Woohoo!  Can anyone tell it's getting close to the end?  I finally know how it's going to end *sniffs* is that lemon I smell? ;)

Oh yeah, hope people didn't get too confused with the two Squalls and Squall/Ultemecia calling them both 'I'...  I know it confused the hell out of me writing it @_@, but my muses insisted that I leave it alone...  N e way, please don't hesitate to ask if u want me 2 write a clearer version, maybe formatted to show the different selves (?)  *shrugs*  suggestions welcomed

Lady Yuskreven: Heehee *grins* I'm glad my plot isn't entirely predictable :)  This was supposed to get sooo much closer to the end, but my muses wanted to play and I decided to indulge them *gets glomped by happy muses* ack!  ;) anyway, by no means forgotten, as you can see :p

Redrum: OK, I shall endeavour to explain without giving everything away... (is that possible? *scratches head and consults muse*), hmm, we're gonna try...  If the Squall in the game is SeeD Squall and is in the present, then the Squall at the beginning of the fic (and Seifer) are in the future, and Squall/Ultemecia is further in the future.  So, for SeeD Squall, Seifer is still alive, but for Squall/Ultemecia, Seifer is dead.

AN: hope that kinda made sense and cleared the Seifer question up a bit *turns paper around and attempts to read explanation backwards* [whispers to muse] – I still don't get it :o

lol


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - with plot!  

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

"The GF's true power..."  My ears prick up at Griever's words, the first he has uttered throughout the fight.  "...to show you..."  I roll my eyes.

"Griever!  Make them bleed!"  I roar at him.  If the two facing him are surprised to suddenly hear my voice again, they give no sign, instead taking the opportunity to heal themselves and prepare for whatever the GF might do next.

Griever summons the shockwave pulsar attack that makes him one of the most powerful GFs in existence.  I watch, safe within my shield, as Irvine slowly bows to the force of the attack.  It would be interesting were the final fight to come down to me and myself.  But I know it cannot be so.  I will not pull my punches simply because I lost last time.  I hope to win whatever the outcome, although I would prefer that my hands are not stained with this blood again.  But if I succeed, if I prevail in this fight, then I will carry out my original plan and compress time to find him again.

I watch myself heal Irvine as Griever goes into convulsions, losing his preferred form and compressing to a large sphere of energy.  A few more breaths I wait, ensuring that both are healed and ready to fight my next incarnation.

"I shall junction myself unto Griever..."  Well, I watch the smaller black sphere sink towards Griever's waiting form, not really.  I mean, I'm already junctioned physically to two GFs and that was enough to cause a slight speech impediment.  I don't really want to know what a third would do to me.  Besides, if I junctioned myself physically to Griever, then the GF could not join my earlier self, if he survives.

"Rghaah..."  Griever roars as the ball of energy revitalises him enough to take a new physical form.  Slowly the ball unfolds into a new creature, something crossed between a lion and Hyne only knows what.  Some sort of insect maybe?  The fight recommences, but Irvine casts Aura on me, and Griever is forced to lose much of the form to stay corporeal after a devastating lionheart limit break.

A short while later and Griever's defeat is complete.  The mighty GF slowly vanishes in a shower of coloured sparks that fade to white.  It is almost like a snowstorm, a surreal one, that surrounds the two fighters.  But their ordeal isn't over yet.  Not yet.  Not quite.  I must still say what must be said to cause myself to fall into the wrong time.  Only, this time, this time I will not leave the future in Edea's hands...

AN: mwahahahahaaaaaaaaa...  teaser!  Sorry bout the ultra-short chpt, but my muses and I are feverishly working towards the end of this fic (which is soooooooooooooon!) and there had to be a break here cause it felt right... 

Gwendolyn-flight: I'm glad u like it :)

Lady Yuskreven: Thankie for the *two* thumbs up :)  Insanity is fun!

S. Wing: I shall indeed continue...

Redrum: If u still don't get it at the end I'll try and do a FAQ thingy :)


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic. SxS - with plot! 

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

I let the plaintive moans of souls lost in time compression wash over me as everything fades to black. This form is awkward and cumbersome, but less unnerving for them than anything else more, human. I have to admit, my appearance has mainly been governed by my memories of the time when I stood in front of me, feeling more scared and more determined than I ever had before.

"I am Ultemecia..." I speak directly to their minds, no need to worry about the speech impediment this way. "Time shall compress..." But it won't. I have already decided how this will end. At least if this way fails, I have given myself another chance to set events straight. "All existence denied..." Including my own. Specifically my own. I don't want to think that I will rise again and cause all this suffering anew.

I cast Hell's Judgement on them, and it brings them both to their knees. Before either can think of using their limit break, or cure magic or items, I cast Blizzaga on Irvine. The cowboy goes down, a vaguely surprised expression on his face. I see myself drink an elixir as I scatter Irvine's soul to the winds of time, to join the others. Instantly I can hear his voice added to the moans that rise and fall around us.

"Reflect on your childhood." I casually block a probing strike from lionheart. "Your sensation, your words, your emotion." Even as my earlier self's mind begins to unconsciously drift, my own is drifting with it. "Time, it will not wait..." I won't go through this again. This anguish, this pain. I won't let Edea inflict this on me, simply because she is afraid that time will splinter and fragment if it is not adhered to with perfect rigidity. "No matter how hard you hold on..." I know that it won't. And I also know that I am stuck in this eternal loop of aloneness, fear, uncertainty, sorrow and anguish unless I break the cycle forever. "It escapes..." I can see yellow settle across my earlier self's skin as he casts aura on himself. "And..."

I make no attempt to block the attack. Neither the initial attack, which pierces my chest, nor the multitude of strikes that follow, which reduce flesh and bone to tatters. 

As he backs off, I smile, I try to laugh, but all that emerges is blood. 

There's no pain. 

That surprises me. 

I thought it would hurt. 

But it doesn't. 

It's cold though. 

So cold. 

And dark. 

Where have all the stars gone...? 

AN: Sorry, 'nother teaser chpt... But the end is nigh, honest, my muses just want to drag it out and build the tension. Plus, like chpt09 it just felt right to break there...

Redrum: next chapter, hope u like, even tho its another teaser ;)

Guesto-chan: thankie, I shall :)

S. Wing: I'm glad I've managed to hook 1 reader at least *glomps* not too far to go now *sniffs* I smell lemons!!

Lady Yuskreven: :p I feel privilaged that u kurse me ;) and just to tempt ur wrath even further, have another teaser... hehehehe


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic. SxS - with plot! 

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

---ULTEMECIA SQUALL---

As my eyes close I allow my grip on time compression to slip, feeling the energy rush back into my bruised and battered body. I can feel Odin and Eden repairing the damage caused by lionheart. Now it hurts. Now the pain is a living creature writhing in my body. I open my mouth to scream, but no sound emerges. I hurt too much for a simple scream to express the pain.

But I deserve this pain. This is my penance for all the suffering I have caused in the selfish pursuit of my own goals. Although, everyone who has died by my hand, or my commands, after Seifer died, will be spared the ordeal if I am successful. Still, if this pain is my penance, then I do not believe it could ever hurt enough.

Gradually, as my body is rebuilt, the pain eases and fades. I feel as though I am floating, which I suppose I am. Floating in time, without anchor or limitations. But I cannot, much as I would love to, lose myself in the soothing balm of time, still and calm as it so rarely is. Somewhere, I must meet two earlier instances of myself, and I must change my destiny.

I think back to my words, spoken only to my earlier self, knowing that those words were the reason I ended up in my past. At the orphanage. Even as I think of my shock to see Ultemecia appear, I realise why she' only appeared after I had. Simply because I cannot remember the instant before I arrived, and so I can only appear after he is there... At least, in that location. If I could remember where I looked for sis, before deciding I couldn't find her...

---SEED/GAME SQUALL---

Ultemecia's words threw me off balance, although I refused to let it show. After Irvine vanished I realised that we were no match for her. She was toying with us all the way through the fight. I bet even Griever was in on it. But, why? Was it just a game? A way to amuse herself? She wanted to die. And for some reason, she wanted to die by my hand. Why else get rid of all the others? And why not block my attacks – I know she could, if she wanted to, but she didn't. 

Reflect on your childhood? Why? I mean, I know I'm an orphan, we're all orphans, all of us who fought her. So why should I try and recall a time that probably wasn't my happiest. Especially with the bits and pieces I can remember – with Ellone's help – of losing sis. A psychologist would probably say all my insecurities stem from there... Of course they do! I'm not stupid, hell, I'll freely admit – to myself – that yes, I have my insecurities. I don't trust anyone because I'm afraid that if I do, they'll leave. Of course, logically I know, that's ridiculous, but then again... The only person I opened up enough to trust after Ellone left was Seifer, fucking hell! I fell in love with the guy... And what happens, every time he sees me he proceeds to kick my ass, and then he leaves as well, and I end up fighting a war against him. So sure, I'm insecure, because each time I've dared to try and prove myself wrong, fate ends up proving me right.

Your sensation, words, emotions? Again, why? I've learnt to control my emotions, and I never say anything that I'm not completely sure of. The only person who could, who can, affect that control is Seifer. I don't know... no, that's a lie, I know exactly why Seifer can get me to react and the others can't. There's one big difference. I love Seifer. I know, everyone thinks that me and Rinoa are the perfect couple, but I know we're not, and so does she. Underneath the wildly optimistic exterior is a realist. It's almost like Selphie, only, I'm not supposed to know that her wild antics – rivalling Zell for energy wasting – are a cover for someone who's actually struggling with depression. I remember that from the fragments of memory Irvine sparked at Trabia. Hah, the orphanage again.

I guess, since I can't avoid the memories, I might as well see where they lead me...

The call – unmistakeably Rinoa's – echoes throughout the darkness. Let's go home, where are you? Where the hell does she think I am? But then again, where am I? The echoes make it difficult to say, but I hesitantly take a few steps towards where I think the voice is coming from.

Squall! Where are you going? I shake my head as Rinoa's voice distorts and becomes that of Edea. Matron. Oh shit... I hear quick steps, then a sudden shrill voice pipes up.

I'm gonna find sis... No! I shouldn't be here! Damn Ultemecia! I suddenly realise that this is why she spoke to me, and me alone. My thoughts, my traitorous thoughts, have brought me back in time to the orphanage.

I turn, the voices no longer echoing as the orphanage fades into view. It looks beautiful, not like the ruins that are left in my time. Excuse me, have you seen a little boy? I wonder if she can see the tears that feel on the verge of falling. This is a time of innocence. I should not be here to corrupt it with the cynical view and bloodstained hands that all I have seen and done have given me.

You don't have to worry. The boy won't go anywhere. I guess that was mostly thanks to Seifer, come to think of it. Every time I got near the gates, he would suddenly pick a fight with me. A good thing I guess, considering that the monsters of Centra were far too powerful for me back then. Seifer however, was at the same level, and I gave him a bloody nose or black eye as often as he gave me one.

I think so too, poor thing... Edea trails off, eyes focussing on something behind me. I turn, in no way expecting what I see. Ultemecia, walking calmly towards us, uninjured. But what shocks me most is that she is carrying my younger self in her arms. Although, after a moment, I realise that the child me doesn't seem to mind, in fact, I frown, seems to trust the sorceress. What spell has she cast on him...me?

...You're alive!? Damn, I barely restrain myself from hitting my forehead in frustration. Obviously she's alive. Alive and well, oh yeah, and holding you as a child in her arms! Idiot! Still, I guess some confusion in this situation is acceptable. I glance at Edea, who is suddenly looking very apprehensive. I wonder why? My frown deepens as I look back to the sorceress.

There is a pause, only very brief, but filled with tension. Now why would Edea be hesitant to call Ultemecia a sorceress? Surely as a sorceress herself she can feel the presence of another, or however it works. I'm sure Rinoa mentioned something along those lines when we breached the Lunatic Pandora defences. Yes, because it was Rinoa – with a few subtle gestures that the others didn't catch – who indicated to me where we should go. Not that I would've minded her taking the credit, but... I'm drifting off track, and I know it. With an irritable shake of my head, I mentally smack myself one and return to the issue at hand.

Yes Matron. We had defeated her... Well, I thought I'd defeated her. Obviously I was wrong about the whole wanting to die at my hands' bit. She's still playing her twisted mind games, or maybe her games are more sinister. I'm beginning to wonder if she intends to kill me as a child, that would cancel my existence, and I wouldn't be around to defeat her. But then why fight us at all? Why not just compress time and kill us as children whilst our older selves fought Griever?

It's OK, no more need to fight, that...sorceress...is just looking for someone to pass her powers onto... Again, there's hesitation as matron names Ultemecia a sorceress. What in Hyne's name is going on? In order to die in peace a... a sorceress...

Ultemecia's sudden snarl is accompanied by a slicing hand gesture, and Edea's voice cuts off as though she has just been stricken with a silence spell. Don't you have any conscience, *matron*? Ultemecia demands. I watch as she takes a threatening step forwards, then my brain short-circuits as the sorceress's words register. My thoughts are racing faster and faster, dragging me each logical step forwards towards a conclusion that I don't want to reach. 

The scream bursts from my lips, even as I sink to my knees, clutching my head in my hands. I know Ultemecia could just be being sarcastic, but I know what I sound like when Seifer has really provoked me to fury, and I can hear that exact tone in the words echoing through my skull. I can't be Ultemecia! Can I? Why else would the child that I was remain calmly within the sorceress's arms. And...Edea knew. Why else would she stumble over calling Ultemecia a sorceress?

---ULTEMECIA SQUALL---

The child that I was stiffens in my arms as the SeeD Squall screams. Reality's a bitch, but he has to know the truth for this to work. Clearly he is horrified at the thought that this is what he will become, and that is good. Because for this to work I need him to be on my side, not Edea's. My eyes narrow as I recall her traitorous actions.

How could you let this happen to me, again? I watch as she straightens. The Squall in my arms has relaxed again, and I can feel a watchful attention from the Squall behind me. But Edea is a sorceress, and, like those I possessed, she does not believe that I can be more powerful.

Release him. She commands, indicating the Squall I hold. With an indifferent shrug I begin to put my child self down, only to have him utter a startled No!' and make a leap for my neck. I can see Edea's shock as he hangs there, determined not to let me go.

I whisper, kneeling so that his feet touch the ground. I won't leave you. Slowly he relinquishes his grip, and looks at me. It's almost enough to make me cry, the fear in his eyes, the desperate worry that he will be alone again. You'll never be alone... I know he won't. He just won't realise it, a sad smile tugs at the corners of my mouth, not until he's older anyway.

How dare you meddle with time this way!? Edea hisses at me. Child Squall scurries behind me, fearful of the flashing eyes and venomous voice that Edea is directing at me, sensing, in some way, that it is directed at himself. To my surprise I suddenly see SeeD Squall out of the periphery of my vision, gunblade drawn. Although his aggressive stance doesn't seem to be angled in my direction, I still keep half a wary eye on him.

Do you know what pain I've gone through? How it felt to watch *him* die in front of me, and not know why? How it felt to realise that it was your fault, that you ensured that Ultemecia' would rise again? I can feel the sudden stillness of the Squall on my right, and I know he's waiting for the answer even more than I am.

I know. It doesn't sound like it to me. If she did know... Wait, she could only know if... When I was the SeeD who had just defeated' Ultemecia, I saw what I thought was Ultemecia transferring her powers to Edea. What if that was actually... Your predecessor let me feel everything last time... Her words cut off my thoughts, but confirm them at the same time. She halts as I begin to laugh. I sincerely doubt she felt *everything*, and I say as much. Her eyes narrow in a challenge that I gladly accept.

A stream of purple leaps from me to her, but it doesn't stop like last time, it keeps on coming. I know last time Edea ended up on her knees, certainly weakened by the onslaught but... Her scream finally reaches my unhearing ears, and I bring my emotions back under control, causing the purple stream to vanish. Edea is curled into a ball, shaking and sobbing. I watch with something approaching satisfaction. Revenge and a lesson all in one.

I look down as child Squall calls out, his expression guarded. SeeD Squall looks confused, and a little dazed. I guess, both being me, they must have both picked up on the emotions that I let Edea feel. Receiving no reply he looks up at me, hands tugging at the feathers just within reach to get my attention. Is she OK? I bend down and pick my child self up, feeling the need to be comforted becoming almost palpable.

She'll be fine.

If this doesn't happen again... I hear SeeD Squall growl. Quickly I look over at him, finding a stony expression on his face, but any threat isn't aimed in my direction. Instead his eyes are promising a very painful end to Edea should he end up in my place.

---SEED/GAME SQUALL---

It took a while to get things straight, if they can be called that, in my mind. I, in the future, am Ultemecia. Because Seifer died – I recognised the inflection on *him* all too well – but more than that, because Edea made sure that Seifer would die... How could she do something like that? How could she betray not only me, or Seifer, but all of us that way? And by all of us, I guess I mean the world. How many people have died, how many times, because she refused to trust that time is strong enough to take a few changes?

What must we...I do to end this? Ultemecia turns towards me, and I see she is holding the child me again. She considers me for a moment, then sighs.

You must go back to your own time, and I must take care of things in this time. I frown. Surely that won't work. Even if time is flexible, the child me has still overheard the whole conversation, seen everything I should not have. And yet, I can't remember these events. Plus there is Edea, and Ultemecia... I realise with a start that Ultemecia is speaking to me again.

I will make sure that you will not remember these events until it will not cause a paradox. And I will deal with Edea. There's a little more menace in her tone than is healthy for Edea, but I know that I have always done what is necessary, and so I have no fear that Ultemecia will eliminate a necessary, a vital, person. If you are successful, you will see me one last time. I nod, and slowly the orphanage fades away...

---ULTEMECIA SQUALL---

I watch SeeD Squall slowly fade away, and then I start talking to child Squall. His expression becomes more confused as I go on, but he remains quiet, for which I am grateful. When I have told him everything he will need to know, I lock the memories of the day behind a mental block only I will be able to remove. He falls asleep in my arms, and I spirit him to his bed. What faint feelings he has that something has happened will be attributed to a dream.

That leaves just Edea to deal with. She is sitting upright now, knees clasped to her chest in a position that reminds me of Rinoa. She watches me with wary and wild eyes, but I can see that she is still determined to be stubborn. In a reaction that has become automatic, my eyes flash yellow in irritation. A brief instant of panic opens her mind, and in that heartbeat I strike, possessing Edea once more. Ruthlessly I destroy every memory with reference to Ultemecia, as I told child Squall I would. She will have enough holes for her to realise that something has been erased from her mind, but what with the passing of time I doubt she will ever realise what was removed, especially considering that there will be references to me from before my defeat'.

After implanting the information about SeeD, its structure, aims and salute, I deem my work in this time done, and leave its existence. I flee into the remains of time-compression, still slowly dissipating. Somewhere in this darkness is SeeD Squall, and Seifer... With a genuine smile, that no one will ever see, I find SeeD Squall's mind, and the mental block that I implanted in child Squall what seems like an eternity ago. The memories come flooding back to both him and me as the block crumbles, and I feel realisation, and gratitude, take hold. Now all that remains is to hope, although I feel sure it is not needed, that this works...

AN: Whew! *wipes away sweat* If that doesn't make up for the two teasers I don't know what will! :) Sorry if the writing style sucks, it's kinda hard to write three Squalls at the same time... Anyhow, as people may have noticed, this fic is almost at an end – 1 chpt to go...! ;P

Lady Yuskreven: *screams and runs away to hide* please! don't set ur creatures on me! :) hehe, don't worry, no more teasers, just the lemon-sweet ending :)

S Wing: thank u for ur, as ever, 'strange' review ;)

Redrum: here it is, the penultimate chpt (not counting the Q&A :p)


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Yet another randomly begun fic.  SxS - with plot!  *** encloses memories/flashbacks :)

Disclaimers: ff8 characters are © Squaresoft

Warnings: Angst, language and SxS 

After the orphanage fades from view I find myself back in the darkness.  Briefly I wonder how Ultemecia intends to deal with Edea, but on second thoughts I decide that maybe I don't want to know.  Besides, I have to get back to the right time from here.  But at least this time I know I'm not alone...

"Selphie!?"  I wait, expecting a joyous response, but there is only silence and the faint echo of my own call.  "Quistis!?  Zell!?  Irvine!?"  Still nothing except the mocking echoes of my shouting.  "Rinoa?"  I ask, hope fading with every moment of silence.  Sure enough, there is no reply.  Am I alone, again?  I can't make it out alone...

Then, as though a dam burst in my mind, my memories come flooding back.  I remember everything my younger self saw and heard at the orphanage that day when I went hunting for sis...

***

"I'm gonna find sis..."  

"Squall!"  I run, not from the voice, but towards the flower field.  Sis always loved the flowers, maybe she got lost?  The flower field is sooo big, it seems to take up the whole world.  I skid to a halt when I see someone standing looking over the flower field.  They have wings, matron said that angels have wings...

"'Scuse me!"  I wait for the person to turn, wanting to touch the feathers that look so soft.  But they might not like it if I did, so I wait.  The person turns and I can see it's a person like matron.  I trust them.  Maybe they know where sis is?  Don't angels know everything?  

"Are you an angel?"  The person laughs and I frown.  I don't like people laughing at me, only, I don't think they're really laughing at me.  My face relaxes and I grin back.  "Do you know where sis is? I'm all alone 'cause she's gone away."

"No, but how 'bout I help you stop being all alone?"  I take the response to mean that the person is going to help me find sis and nod eagerly, not protesting when they pick me up.  I can't wait to see the look on Seifer's face when I tell him I was carried by an angel!

***

So that was how Ultemecia ended up carrying my child self back to where I was talking to Edea.  I snigger.  To think that I thought she was an angel!  How much further from the truth could I have got?  But what intrigues me most is what Ultemecia said to my child self after I returned here...

***

"I know this won't make any sense now, but it will when the time comes.  When I was in time compression I got separated from the others, and ended up here, as you have just done.  When I got back I realised that all the others were there for me, and I shouted their names.  But they had already gotten out, and there was no response.  There was only one name I didn't call.  He's waiting for you, just as trapped as you are, just as alone.  Call him, he'll answer.  Trust me, don't give up on him, call Seifer..."

***

"Seifer..."  I find my lips whispering the word even as I remember Ultemecia's instructions.  "Seifer?"  The cold silence of time compression answers me.  "Seifer!?"  Even to my own ears my voice has taken on a desperate note.  "SEIFER!?"  I scream the name in desperation, head thrown backwards, tears already starting to run down my face as I sink to my knees.  His face is so clear in my mind.  I can see every strand of the platinum blond hair that he wears in a short, controlled cut, right down to the two strands that flop forwards onto his forehead, defying all the laws of gel to remain in that position.  I can see intense jade eyes, set an even distance apart, sparkling with humour, burning with anger, shining with life and all the other emotions I ever saw Seifer display.  I can see the scar, my scar, the darker skin stark against his palely tanned features.  I can even see his eyebrows, now raised in surprise, now lowered in a frown of concentration, and his cheekbones, prominent, lending a striking boldness and delicacy to his face that he works hard to hide.  And of course, I can see his lips, his beautiful lips...

I am suddenly aware that where there was nothing beneath my knees, I can feel small stones and pebbles pressing painfully into my legs.  I open my eyes, frowning as I recognise the concealed plateau where Seifer and I always used to fight our duels.  Neither of us liked an audience when we were really pissed at each other, the SeeDs tended to get concerned by the fierceness of our attacks, neither of us giving any quarter, and intervene.  Seifer...  I look around, but I'm alone.  Looks like Ultemecia's great plan failed...

"Seifer..."  I whisper, letting my eyes close and the tears flow once more.

"Squall?"  The voice behind me is so quiet that I barely hear it, but the electric current that skips up my spine as a hand comes to rest on my shoulder tells me who it is.

"Seifer?"  Despite the fact that it should be impossible the way I'm sitting, I manage to spin 180 degrees to face the blond behind me.  "Seifer!"  I don't care anymore, not after I thought I'd lost him.  I jump to my feet and dive into his arms, burying my head in his chest and letting go of everything.  After a few moments, long enough for my tears to soak into his shirt, I feel his arms slip around me, holding me close to his chest as I continue to cry.

It seems an eternity that we stay like that, me crying into his shirt without restraint, feeling everything that I've kept bottled up since Ellone left finally find release.  Seifer's grip never falters, except as I start to hiccough quietly and he rubs my back, hand sliding up beneath my jacket to move in gentle circles that have the desired effect of halting the embarrassing, and involuntary, spasms.

"Squall..."  I look up at him, at the jade eyes which are dull with painful memories and sorrow.  This isn't right.  His eyes should be unclouded by anything except...lust.  I feel a slow blush begin to rise at the thought.  "Squall, I'm..."  I lean up and steal the words from him with a kiss that robs us both of our breath.  After all, what need has he to apologise to me, when I was the one who made him do everything that he did?

"So am I..."  The three words are all that I need to say, and the sorrow vanishes from his eyes as though it was never there.  For a moment jade green sparkles at me in delight, then they darken again, and Seifer is leaning down to capture my lips in a bruising kiss that tells me everything he can't find words for.

Heat and desire surge, and the contact of our lips is no longer enough for either of us.  I grind my hips against Seifer's, feeling the sound of him groaning vibrate through my lips.  A tongue is pushing insistently at my mouth, and I willingly open it to let Seifer explore, putting up a token resistance with my own tongue, before letting him take control of the kiss.  His hands are busy behind my back, pushing at my jacket, even as I shrug it off, then his hands are running up my spine.  They feel cold to my heated skin, and I arch away from them, into his body, grinding our erections together again.  

My hands are still free, and I busy myself in removing Seifer's shirt, damp with my tears.  As he shrugs it from his shoulders, and briefly pulls away to tug the sleeves over his hands, I manage to pull my own shirt over my head.  I moan at the sudden feel of Seifer's tongue circling my navel, and my head tips backwards as his hands busy themselves about my chest.  Cool fingers toy with one nipple briefly before moving on to the other, and Seifer's heated mouth seems to be everywhere around my stomach, tracing my hip bones, his tongue dipping teasingly under the waistband of my pants.

It's not enough...  "Seifer..."  I moan quietly.  He looks up, jade green eyes almost black with lust.  He wants me, and I want him.  Fuck the foreplay, I want him in me... now!  Slowly I sink to my knees, discovering that kneeling we are the same height...  hmm...  I file the information that his legs are longer than mine away for later referral, and lean forwards to capture his lips in another searing kiss.

My hands fumble at the fastenings of his pants, one sliding to cup his erection as the other forcefully pushes the material down over his tight ass.  He moans into my mouth, hands tightening convulsively on my sides before he attacks the belts that I always wear.  I break the kiss to slide my mouth down to his ear, panting into it.  "I want you..."  I growl into his ear, tightening my grip on his hardened flesh.  His hands pause as coherent thought momentarily leaves him, then resume their task with a more frenzied pace.

"I noticed..."  He mutters back, seizing the lobe of my ear in a teasing grip before licking and nibbling his way down my neck.  His breath is growing audibly shorter, but my attention is distracted from him as he finally breaks through the belts and into my pants, gripping my erection and driving all thought from my mind.  Dimly I hear a wail of pure pleasure, and after a moment I realise that it is mine.  Then even that little thought is driven from my mind by Seifer's skilled hands.

Vaguely, through a haze of pleasure, I feel Seifer lower us both to the side, and then he rolls on top of me.  Somewhere along the line my pants have been pulled completely off, and his have too.  I feel his erection brush against mine, and my back arches as I moan loudly, bucking my hips to rock against him again.  His groan of pleasure mingles with mine until I can't tell which of us is moaning.  Cool fingers are teasing one nipple, whilst Seifer sucks and bites gently on the other.  It distracts me enough that the cold, slick finger slipping past my entrance shocks every muscle into tightening reflexively.  I feel Seifer grin around the nipple, then ease upwards to whisper in my ear.

"Relax..."  As he speaks he crooks his finger slightly brushing against my prostate and causing white sparks to shoot across my vision.  A hoarse groan tears itself free of my throat.

"Gods...Seifer...Aaah!"  I yell and buck against the intruding finger as he works it against my prostate over and over.  Soon the single finger is joined by a second, and I can feel him stretching me, taking his time to make sure I am ready.  "Now Seifer!"  I exclaim, my voice harsh and pleading.  "Fuck me now!  Pleeasse!"  Even though I know what's to come will be better, the emptiness as the fingers withdraw is almost unbearable.

I feel the tip of his erection nudging gently at my entrance, and I force myself to relax.  Slowly, so slowly, Seifer pushes forwards.  There is a faint, painful burn as Seifer slowly pushes into me, and then everything is eclipsed by a wave of blinding pleasure as he strikes my prostate.  The world degenerates into a mass of sensation, and all I can do is scream and sob his name.

Just as I think the ecstasy I am feeling can't get any better, my vision fades to white and I climax, barely even feeling my heated cum splatter across my chest and Seifer's.  There is an echoing cry from above as Seifer also comes, deep inside me, and then slowly withdraws to lie next to me on the hard rocks.

We are both panting, and faint white sparks are still flashing across my vision and up my spine.  I couldn't care less if anyone found us now, the truly intense experience has confirmed what I already know.  I am in love with Seifer Almasy.  And the best of it?  I twist my head to the side to find him watching me.  I think he's in love with me too...

But there is something I have to know.  Something I have to know before I can ever let the past - or was it the future? - go.

"Seifer..."  He sits up slowly, a soft smile on his face, a genuine smile.

"Mmm?"  He murmurs, reaching out to brush my hair back from my face.

"Why did you go with Ultemecia?"  The hand freezes on my cheek, and his eyes suddenly become guarded, wary.  Then he leans forwards to capture my lips in a possessive kiss.  As he draws away the walls in his eyes lower, and I can see everything.

"That's why."  He knew.  He knew that I was Ultemecia.  Didn't know why, but had still recognised me beneath my disguise.

Thank you...  The thought steals through my mind like a breeze through a tree.  Looking beyond Seifer for a moment I see Ultemecia slowly fade from view.  Had she been there the whole time?  Do I care?  I decide not.  I have Seifer, although it has taken some pretty desperate measures to get him, and that is all that matters.  Selfish I know, but hey, I saved the world from myself...  Surely I deserve a reward?

OWARI

(END)

AN: whew, glad that's over...  *wipes sweat from forehead*  Sorry if the lemon sucks, but then again, it's bloody difficult to write a 1st person yaoi lemon when ur female @_@  Anyway, that's the end. I'm gonna do a Q & A 'chapter' so that I can (now the fic's over) try and explain without fear of spoilers ;)  So, if u have a question/s, now's the time to review and ask :)


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